3 ways to exit a drama. Not easy. But doable.

Ever find yourself wading into or being sucked into a drama? 

Tension can be helpful in terms of creativity and pushing for results, but some dramas can become dysfunctional and unhealthy.

Maybe you feel you have no choice around being drawn in?

You do! Read on…

Are you one of these “stars” in the Drama Triangle, a model proposed by psychologist Stephen Karpman in 1968?

  • PERSECUTORS blame Victims and criticise Rescuers. They find fault but don’t offer solutions. They control with order and rigidity. And maybe bully. “It’s your fault!”
  • VICTIMS feel picked on and trapped. They are unwilling to take responsibility for their situation. They blame Persecutors and want Rescuers to solve their problems. Learned helplessness. “Woe is me!”
  • RESCUERS feel guilty standing by. They can misread situations and launch well-meaning “rescues” that are not needed nor welcomed. And some may be projecting their own needs to be valued, rather than actually help!

So what?

Reflect on which role you are playing. How is it serving you?

Moving out of role may not be easy.

Why? It might just be your comfort zone! 

3 moves you can try…

#1.   SUPPORT.  Seek support from a colleague outside the drama, or a coach, or contact your employee assistance scheme.

#2.   NON VIOLENT COMMS.  If you feel able to, employ Non Violent Comms to engage the other players in the drama e.g.

  • Observation:  “This is what I observed took place…”
  • Feelings:        “This is how the situation made me feel…”
  • Needs:            “I need…” (a general need e.g. feedback, respect etc..)
  • Requests:       “Specifically my request is…”

#3.   A BIG REFRAME. Consider exploring how the players could move to the positions in the Womeldorff Empowerment Triangle (2016).

  • Victims move to CREATORS and focus on possibilities and outcomes rather than problems.
  • Rescuers move to COACHES and support Creators in action planning, and support Challengers in testing the feasibility of options.
  • Persecutors move to CHALLENGERS and test assumptions and hold Creators to account for making progress.

A note of caution…

Models and frameworks are not real. Some people find some of them useful some of the time in some contexts. And in situations where there is some level of inter-personal drama you will naturally be cautious. That said, the three moves offered above are certainly worth exploring with colleagues and using when needed.

Of course, the best option – where possible – is simply to pause, think, and step away from the drama altogether!

Photo credit: Annie Spratt via Unsplash